Emily takes on Atlanta

Sometimes you don’t realize what you could have had when...

soifoundanewlove — Wed, 25 Jan 2012 11:26:44 -0500

Sometimes you don’t realize what you could have had when you could have had it

Going to turn this frown upside down. Life is moving on with or without me. Jumping on that train.

soifoundanewlove — Sat, 24 Dec 2011 23:35:36 -0500

Going to turn this frown upside down. Life is moving on with or without me. Jumping on that train.

I don’t give a crap about the holidays anymore. So much else in the way. Ugh.

soifoundanewlove — Tue, 20 Dec 2011 20:06:50 -0500

I don’t give a crap about the holidays anymore. So much else in the way. Ugh.

I Watch myself change. And watch others change. And hope the changes make sense. Eventually spinning...

soifoundanewlove — Fri, 09 Dec 2011 22:33:41 -0500

I Watch myself change. And watch others change. And hope the changes make sense. Eventually spinning in circles turns to fun. or nausea. Waiting to see.

It’s December! I love the holidays. Driving around...

soifoundanewlove — Mon, 05 Dec 2011 01:23:36 -0500

It’s December! I love the holidays.
Driving around looking at lights, ice skating, peeking in windows to see christmas trees, drinking hot chocolate, hearing christmas music, cinnamon scented candles and brooms, see’s candy, and spending time with family. What is not to like?
My little baby tree is slowly becoming filled with lots of surprises for loved ones near and far. I’m normally terrible about gift shopping, but this year it’s brought me a lot of joy.

Small pleasures

soifoundanewlove — Wed, 16 Nov 2011 19:22:16 -0500

Small pleasures

Sunday complications. Crazy life.

soifoundanewlove — Sun, 13 Nov 2011 14:02:48 -0500

Sunday complications. Crazy life.

Healing is a matter of time, but it is sometimes also a matter...

soifoundanewlove — Wed, 09 Nov 2011 20:35:51 -0500

Healing is a matter of time, but it is sometimes also a matter of opportunity.

-Hippocrates

Days and weeks don’t just pass by anymore. I feel myself...

soifoundanewlove — Mon, 07 Nov 2011 11:53:25 -0500

Days and weeks don’t just pass by anymore. I feel myself getting older. More in touch.

Some things never change.
But some do.

Time to stay inspired. Time to be

"To overcome difficulties is to experience the full delight of existence"

soifoundanewlove — Wed, 02 Nov 2011 23:01:30 -0400

“To overcome difficulties is to experience the full delight of existence”

- Arthur Schopenhauer

I didn’t know how I could handle tonight. Right timing....

soifoundanewlove — Thu, 27 Oct 2011 22:57:00 -0400

I didn’t know how I could handle tonight.

Right timing. Rae is a blessing. One day at a time.

If you don’t sleep, you leave no room to dream. The...

soifoundanewlove — Thu, 27 Oct 2011 15:03:38 -0400

If you don’t sleep, you leave no room to dream.
The mornings are a lot less harsh.
But the days are a lot more wearing.
One day though, we will wake up ok. And smile at each other. And remind ourselves how far we’ve come.

Photo

soifoundanewlove — Wed, 05 Oct 2011 22:58:01 -0400

“Pain is a part of life. Sometimes it’s a big part, and sometimes it isn’t, but...

soifoundanewlove — Mon, 03 Oct 2011 20:55:06 -0400

“Pain is a part of life. Sometimes it’s a big part, and sometimes it isn’t, but either way, it’s a part of the big puzzle, the deep music, the great game. Pain does two things: It teaches you, tells you that you’re alive. Then it passes away and leaves you changed. It leaves you wiser, sometimes. Sometimes it leaves you stronger. Either way, pain leaves its mark, and everything important that will ever happen to you in life is going to involve it in one degree or another.”
~ Jim Butcher

I wish deciding who to keep in your life was as easy as cleaning out your closet. But unfortunately,...

soifoundanewlove — Mon, 03 Oct 2011 00:06:00 -0400

I wish deciding who to keep in your life was as easy as cleaning out your closet. But unfortunately, clothes do not have feelings. or an emotional past with you. However, both are chosen by what makes you feel good.

This type of thought is naturally fueled by a separation that is seeming to linger as long as the stench of microwaved pigs feet. (What’s up 2523)

A year ago I was so upset of a breakup. A guy didn’t want me and I couldn’t comprehend this. (He wouldn’t let me fix him-and that is the only thing I had my eye on. I also might have gone off the deep end when finding out he didn’t want to be fixed) I couldn’t sleep at night or do anything that didn’t remind me of him. I go weeks now without him even crossing my mind and almost feel guilty about this. I wonder how much HE meant to me. I wonder if I wasted his time just trying to be a shrink.

Now, I think that I don’t want someone in my life in any matter of the word, but I can’t place a reason on why I haven’t just done it. I realize how easy my life would have been if I had stuck to this same thought in February, but I always seem to think that people are great and make decisions based on pictures and memories I stumble upon on my iphone.

Having an easier year would have been the easy way out. and with no shame now, I can say that I wish I had taken it. Things only hurt worse as months went on.

What makes you care about people when they offer you nothing good? What makes you care about people when they not only offer you nothing good, but in addition, they hurt your self-image, give you things that are irreversible, hurt multiple people at once, but worst of all, take actions that knowingly hurt you? Those aren’t the people anyone desire to have in their life, but those are the people you go back to over and over when you forget what it is like to be with someone who makes you feel amazing. every. single. day. Those are the people you go to when they make you forget that you can make yourself feel good. Those are the people who know how to convince you that they are good for you. Those are the people who know what they are doing.

I’ve never understood someone so well.

I am very indifferent to every person I meet now. That is the worst part of it all.

Maybe at some point, every woman needs to eat ice cream in her bed, snuggle up with her pup, and cry for a few days before embarking on a new season in her life. That, in turn, makes everything else seem just a little bit more beautiful.

I’ve always had a thing about trying to fix people. Strangely, this does not apply, so I am out of ideas as to why I haven’t vanished.

The only emotion I feel is sad.

Some nights I have nothing to talk about because I feel so empty. I think it is important to...

soifoundanewlove — Wed, 28 Sep 2011 23:57:02 -0400

Some nights I have nothing to talk about because I feel so empty.

I think it is important to acknowledge that. but a smile and brushing your hair never hurts

After my brief introductory love affair with Crossfit, I have already had to put it on hold. This...

soifoundanewlove — Sun, 25 Sep 2011 01:06:32 -0400

After my brief introductory love affair with Crossfit, I have already had to put it on hold. This has taken me a solid week to comprehend, but i’m bummed. I can’t afford the monthly payments after opening the third and fourth medical bills that have crippled me this year. After spending plenty of time mad, annoyed, and feeling like I don’t deserve them, I made the more responsible decision of sucking it up and making what I have work.

New solution- pseudo crossfit with Danilelle in the comfort of our home. As soon as I am paid up, I will begin again.

I have been drinking a ton of water, eating better, and relaxing…all seeming to have a great impact on my mental wellness. I also think the lace curtains and walks have contributed to my head staying intact.

I ordered my bridesmaid dress for my brother’s wedding. This simple thing has made me stand up a bit straighter and smile a lot more. Things all work out. Seeing them as happy as they are makes me feel like the world makes sense at different times for everyone. Maybe this isn’t my time. It is theirs and I can appreciate that and celebrate with them.

I wish that I could spend my days keeping house, cooking, and crafting. With hair freshly out of curlers, clothed in aprons and heels. I find so much peace in having a nice place and a good meal. Sometimes I think I live in the wrong time period. Or that my soul is misused in my body.

I have always had some social misunderstandings. I like to go out, but I would rather be at home....

soifoundanewlove — Tue, 20 Sep 2011 00:26:00 -0400

I have always had some social misunderstandings. I like to go out, but I would rather be at home. But then again, why wouldn’t I with the home I have. I have friends who share my love for peaceful nights. Friends who gladly spend the afternoon with me in my apartment without it feeling like a childhood play date- trapped inside, longing for a car.

My home creates a beautiful backdrop for a nice night after work that includes

-working in my indoor garden

-fixing and eating a nice dinner

-reading a political comic book from Germany that was written in the 1960’s

-taking a wonderful cherry blossom scented bubble bath

-drinking a fresh brewed pot of rest tea

-reading Tortilla Flat

—all while listening to Van Morrison echo through my candle-lit apartment.

My apartment also is a nice resting place between my walks. I’ve met nearly everyone down here from the frequent walks I take. Maybe they are a cover for something deep, but maybe it is as simple as just liking fresh (polluted city) air. I appreciate coming home and not having to get in my car to go grocery shop or see a movie. I can do everything by foot. That is city life.

Sorry for the years of misunderstanding, but that sounds nicer than getting smashed at a smokey bar. It also sounds nicer than going out to dinner after a day at work. But that is because I know what I like. Every person is different and that is ok. I am a home-making, homebody.

But let’s talk about that first thing.

My Garden—

I did a ton of research on my own and consulted with Farmer Ds to create the best indoor garden for me.

I ended up with some edible flowers from Sow True Seeds to garnish cute meals, some red peppers, cherry tomatoes, and Lettuce from High Mowing Organic Seeds and a basil plant from Whole Foods.

I planted all of them in cartons to start with, and they will be replanted after they start sprouting in a week or so. They all are planted in Farmer D Organics Biodynamic Blend Seed Starting Mix. So in theory, I will have a mass amount of organic veggies in a matter of a couple of months-but let’s not talk about the whole room constraint thing right now. I have a whole week to figure that out. I will wait to begin the coffee and will continue to slowly add to the herb garden, although I am “taking the easy way out” as they were saying and buying those already as plants. But let’s be real, I don’t want to kill too many things at once. That isn’t good for the self-esteem.

In good news, I didn’t give in to peer pressure with the guys at the hydroponics store and buy a $2000 lighting system. I just didn’t think I would get the return on basil and tomatoes. Maybe I am just underestimating my growing skills. Or they really didn’t believe I was just growing veggies.

I am using this garden to grow vegetables. but I suppose it is also a healing process for me. I am hoping that I can end this terrible year with an amazing garden to share with family and friends. Something that can put a nice (optional) haze over this year. Something I can use to remember it fondly, but something I can easily put aside to reflect on how precious each day is and how I long to feel whole again. And throughout it all, I hope that nurturing this plant life will continue to bring me to nurture and take care of myself. Because time goes on a the past doesn’t change.

It is 3am and I am still wide awake. This would not be a problem if my alarm was set for any hour...

soifoundanewlove — Thu, 15 Sep 2011 03:05:00 -0400

It is 3am and I am still wide awake.

This would not be a problem if my alarm was set for any hour other than 5:30am.

Perfect time to blog in my quiet apartment that has been filled with activity the past few days. Surprisingly with all the bizarre things that have happened this week, I have no real concrete feelings about everything. All I know is my mind is on my weird wave-length. and that an ex-boyfriend is sleeping in my home. Bizarre, but not bad.

The past few days I have been completely restless. I have thoroughly enjoyed this because the past six or so months, I have been tracking how I feel versus the stages of the moon. Every time I feel insanely restless and bursting with energy (which seems to come in the form of anxiety), it is a full moon. This keeps me very much awake at night. I have been reading a lot about moon stages and minds. Crazy talk. But I’m into it. I want to learn to foster this energy into positive energy. So if I am kept up all night, I am kept up with energy, not anxiety.

((Side note—Kristi, Lyndsey and I are going to see Foster the People next week. Time to dance))

I have not minded the restless nights since I have moved. I can stay up at night and feel completely surrounded by comfort. I know that I am finally in my home. Not in transit anymore. I can comfortably eat matzo and drink tea at 3am and feel like it is right. I can also whine at 5:30am when I am exhausted, but still have the energy to smile when I take a shower in my crazy bathroom. This is also the time where I have finally accepted that I am a kid and dog whisperer, but not in the same ballpark as most adults. and finally figure out WHY this is.

I thrive on conversation. Children are excellent at conversing. They’re in the moment because really, where else would their carefree minds be. I rarely feel that with adults. Adults seem to want to talk a straight line. To get a point across and move on to the next thing in their mind like it is a race. I think it is beautiful to be able to have a conversation with opinions and emotions devoted to that moment versus a conversation that is also in competition for brain space with personal problems, finances, to-do lists, and personal wants. It is beautiful to just sit down and be in the moment. I have found that non-filtered conversations in a comfortable setting are so much more fulfilling than those that are just talking. In my mind, I see it as regurgitating school facts versus understanding and elaborating. I was always the nerd who wanted to understand and elaborate.

I got a text today from Steve. Steve was an old mountain biking friend. and a dang good friend at that. Someone who I loved to converse with as we (mostly him) worked in our garden in his back yard. We grew 7-foot sunflowers and would laugh the whole time, just enjoying each others friendship. I got a bit teary eyed at the fact I haven’t called or talked to him since I moved. I have been so caught up in my life down here, I forgot that the mountain bike I ride around the Highlands now, had a previous life. A life of fun and adventure over rocks and cliffs. A life of driving to Tennessee at the drop of a hat to explore new trails and sights. A life of getting dirty. How could I have been so selfish to forget about all of that. I have been so happy down here, I became selfish in pleasing myself that I forgot about people who have been by me for years and years. It wasn’t that I put off calling them, It was that I completely forgot. This is my place to be honest. I think I will be cruising up to see them this weekend.

Maybe it isn’t that I am not tired, maybe I am just too excited for Mable to turn 1 on her made-up birthday. By the looks of the e-card I received at 1am, my mom shares my excitement. I would never actually get that excited over a dog birthday, but in truth, I am really proud i’ve kept Mable happy and well cared for for almost a full year. I didn’t want a dog. I really didn’t want a puppy. But that face…. that face turned me into a crazy dog loving, walk obsessed, talk to my dog, bake homemade treats, kind of weirdo.

Since this is my blog, I will accept that this post is very choppy. because that is how my brain works on no sleep. and I need to at least rest for 2 hours before work.

September 10, 2011

soifoundanewlove — Sat, 10 Sep 2011 23:53:00 -0400

I watched this little video on the Mast Brothers today before baking. I enjoy chocolate when I eat it, but it is not a food I crave. This video really made me want chocolate. I don’t think it was that I wanted to taste it, It was that I wanted to feel something when I ate their product. Feel the passion that went into it. It seems so silly that people can be so passionate about things like chocolate, but hey…someone has to be. I’m sure they would find it equally as strange that I love teaching children their ABCs.

I seem to bake the most when things are great or terrible.

I bake as if it will make things better

and I bake because I am content when things are going great.

-I don’t know what the reason is lately.

Tonight I made an Emeril Lagasse Key Lime Pie. It was as simple as it seemed, but I must have forgotten to take pictures of the process. The crust was so easy and tastes so much better than the packaged crusts you can buy from the store.

The whip for the top was not too sweet. I don’t like key lime pie at all, but I actually ate a bite of this one and enjoyed it.

Just last week I was wishing to know why I was baking so much lately. There are a ton of bad things going on, and a ton of good things. Each baked good has taken a lot more energy out of me than normal. I very much like to know why I do things, but I have found a lot of peace in just baking to bake. Peace in spending time alone making something for other people to enjoy. Baking is so much like daily life. Each ingredient contributes to the outcome. You get out of it what you put into it. Each day and recipe has taken more energy out of me. I don’t miss feeling good and life being easy, but I enjoy feeling at home in the city right now. This is where I am supposed to be.

So for now, I will continue to bake and find comfort in my kitchen. To put passion into my simple baked goods to give to friends.

I feel so physically tired tonight that I am having a hard time concentrating on this.

Day 1 of Crossfit was crazy. I think that I didn’t hate it as much as I should have. I think that Danielle hated it enough for the both of us. She is an awesome friend and stuck with it though. I did more than I thought I ever could- and some. I ended the day by climbing my first vertical rope with no knots. Ileft feeling like a new person. I believe this will be like therapy for myself. To realize I am stronger and more powerful than I knew.